What's Maxintosh?
by CelcoLevi
Summary: it is the year 1984. After doing drugs, Garrison and Mr Hat infiltrate the DABA and attempt to remove their files of drug cases. Contains drug use
1. Chapter 1 Drugs are bad m'kay?

2nd of July 1984

2 kids, Jerome McElroy and Randy Marsh waiting at the bus stop

A kid and a hand puppet walked into view by the name of Herbert Garrison and Harley Hat. Herbert was Carrying a new mobile phone

"Yeah, I know, I know!" he shouted into his phone, the other boys were agitated slightly

Garrison began picking his teeth with a toothpick. "Yeah, have you tried marijuana? I heard its goooood!" he shouted again before throwing his toothpick on the ground

"Yeah, I tried marijuana!" said another voice on the phone, Jerome stared at the toothpick

"What's it like?" Garrison asked

"Oh dude, it's awesome!" the voice said

"Cool, I'll try it sometime!" Garrison said. The bus pulled up.

The boys walked into the bus and sat down at the back seat except for Garrison who sat down behind Kathie Lee Gifford.

"Hey did you compete in the talent show last year?" the voice asked

"Yeah, me and Mr Hat put up a show, but we lost to this little redhead girl in front of me!" Garrison insulted

"Little?!" Kathie asked

"…She sounds hot!" the guy complemented on the phone, disgusting Kathie

The bus stopped, the kids walked out with Garrison following Kathie

"So yeah, anyway, I lost to her choreography show she put on…" Garrison continued, Kathie began suspecting a lie would occur

"So I had to just walk it off and run back home and tell my parents!" Garrison said.

Kathie turned around and corrected "You didn't walk away Garrison! You broke up crying and started pleading with the judges!"

"Kathie, can you like, not listen in on my mobile conversations?" Garrison requested

Kathie stood quiet as Garrison walked past him and started talking about pot

At the cafeteria, Garrison was sitting with the other boys and began shouting again, annoying Kathie while she was sitting at another table. This time, another person

"You know, I heard your friend Jonathan can turn into CoRn!" the kid said on the phone

"What really? How do you know that? And more importantly, why do you put so much emphasis on the R?" Garrison asked

"That's like, the name of his band dude!" the kid answered

"That's what?!"

"Name of the band!"

"What what what now?!"

"NAME OF THE BAND!"

"Oh, name of the band! Right! I got it!" Garrison replied

Kathie got up from her table and put her unfinished lunch in the bin, Garrison harassed her by doing the same thing

Kathie was waiting outside at CC School (Celebrity Chance School) for her turn on the skipping ropes; Garrison began yelling more about pot on the phone.

"It should be legalized, and if our Government doesn't do anything about it, he'll go to hell and die!" Garrison shouted.

"Mm 'Kay, what other drugs do you appear interested in?" said a low voice on the phone"

"Oh lots! Cocaine, Budder, Alcohol and even LSD!" Garrison said trying to act tough, Kathie walked up to him unfazed but very fed up.

"Will you please… take your pot conversations… somewhere else" Kathie asked lightly

Garrison just stared at her, and then he danced to his right twice and his left once

"Oh hell no! I think I just found a certain certain! Gotta go!" Garrison hung up.

"Hey, everybody! I think there might be a DABA Member in our school!"

"DABA?" Randy asked

"Yeah, the Drugs Are Bad Association!" Garrison told him

"Y'know, that's really ironic how the DABA is visiting our school this afternoon" Kathie replied

"…What?" Garrison asked in horror

1:45 pm. The noon assembly was on; Garrison was irritated by the fact that normal schools had only 2 assembly days instead 3 like CC School. Garrison had hoped to god going to the school would be worth it.

"Gee, I can't wait to get out of CC School" Garrison hoped

"You can say that again, Mr Garrison!" Mr Hat added

"You have to go CC High School first!" Jerome "Chef" added

"Oh, boy here they come" 6th grader named Skeeter said unexcitedly

Four teenagers walked into view, one of them had an abnormally large head and a thin body

"Golly, what is up with that guy's head?" a kid named Jonathan asked

"You can say that again Mr Davis" Mr Hat added

One of the teenagers walked closer and started beat boxing, he then walked away and each teenager walked up when they spoke their lines

"Drugs are bad, m'kaay?" the bighead one sang

"Don't do drugs bad, d-drugs are bad" the female

"Cause don't do drugs kids" another one sang

"Drugs are Laaame" another one sang

All 4 boys were put off

"Drugs don't make you look cool, m'kay? Drugs make you look bad, m'kay? Like… Hippies!" all four of them sang, they stopped beat boxing and the bighead one walked up and pretended to smoke weed and made his voice sound more like smoker's voice

"Don't do drugs, d-drugs are bad, m'kay?" he said before collapsing to the ground, and then he hopped up off the ground and started dancing again, Garrison looked at Mr Hat

"Y-You guys, Mr Hat's eating his own hand!" Garrison told the others

"Don't do drugs!" one said

"And you could become just like us!" another added. They all struck a pose together "…m'kay?" the big headed one finished

Garrison and Mr Hat were shocked


	2. Chapter 2 Reverse psychology

After the Assembly, Garrison was snorting coke, smoking weed and drinking LSD with Mr Hat watching, coughing in defusion.

"I think I'll die before smoke the last bag" Garrison quoted.

"Okay, what the blazes is going on here?" an old man walked up.

"Oh shit it's the counsellor!" Mr Hat shouted, Garrison blocked his mouth and put him in his pocket, he then threw away all the drugs and stared at Mr Docker, whilst still high off the drugs, he was able hear what Mr Docker said, but couldn't see anything.

"Herbert Garrison, what are you doing?"

"Uh, Uh, Nothing Mr Docker" Garrison responded hoarsely "Herbert, what are you doing?" Mr Docker asked again in suspicion to his stoned eyes.

The drug effect wore off, allowing garrison to concentrate.

"Look! All I'm doing is putting stuff in the trash, because woodsy owl said so! Is that so hard to believe?"

Mr Docker's suspicion dropped

"Very well, uh, sorry to bother you" Mr Docker apologised

Garrison waved goodbye as an extra and pulled Mr Hat out of his pocket

"Whew! That was close one wasn't it Mr Hat?" Garrison relieved

"You can't say that again Mr Garrison" Mr Hat pointed out to a DABA Camera

"Ah Crap!" Garrison said in shock

8:55 pm

Garrison was panicky about what he did at the back of the school, not being able to sleep

"Oh jeez, I dun fucked up big time!" Garrison told himself

Garrison began pacing around his house, he ate 4 apples in 4 hours, he checked his calendar, he flipped through old pictures, and he watched a midnight episode of Terrance & Philip with Mr Hat. He knew was at loss until he saw Terrance wearing a metallic vest which was allowing him to send his farts to internet, which brightened him up a bit

"Mr Hat, are you thinking what I'm thinking?" Garrison asked

"Why certainly!" Mr Hat replied


	3. Chapter 3 I fucked up

3rd July 1984…

Mr Hat and Garrison were watching Terrance & Philip

A door was being knocked; Dr Terrance walked into view and opened the door, revealing Mr Philip.

"Oh Hello Mr Philip!" Dr Terrance said

"Dr Terrance! I had a dream last night and someone that I should see a proctologist!" Mr Philip said

"Oh yes! Come right this way Mr Philip" Dr Terrance said, leading him to a bench to lie down on. Mr Philip pulled his pants down and laid on the bench.

"Right, let's see what the problem is then" Dr Terrance said putting on a glove. Dr Terrance lifted up the sheet from Mr Philip's ass

"Oh my god!" Dr Terrance shouted

"What?" Mr Philip demanded

"Well, there's a huge crack in it!" Dr Terrance informed

They both laughed

"Hahahaha, that's a good one!" Garrison laughed

"Terrance and Philip will be right back after these commercials" a TV announcer said

"Hey kids! Ever heard of Terrance and Philip?" a man said

"Yay!" the kids answered

"Ever heard of internet?" the man continued, a bunch of silent kids with a cricket playing in the background

"Well never mind that, but now, you can record everything you say and fart… on this vest" the man said

"Ooooh!" the kids said interested

"And send it to the internet!" the man carried on, the kids gave a blank face with a cricket again

"Oh heeelll yeah!" Garrison said excitingly

The TV cut to an interview of Terrance & Philip

"Hi I'm Terrance" "And I'm Philip" they said, farting at the same time and Laughing

"And we have just created the most useful invention since rocket science" Philip said

"Yup, because with this vest…" Terrance announced

"You can now "upload" your sounds directly to the "internet" with Maxintosh" Philip finished. Terrance turned on his Maxintosh and farted, they both laughed

"How does it all work?" Terrance asked

"Well, it uses magnetic tape to capture the waves of sound onto that tape, then it throws it into a modem which sends your words worldwide!" Philip answered

"Cool!" Garrison shouted

"Maxintosh, get yours today for only 29.99"

Garrison immediately calls the phone

"Yes, hello? Yes, I'd like to get one of those Maxintoshes!" Garrison demanded


	4. Chapter 4 What's Maxintosh?

Celebrity Chance School, the kids are just coming in to put their things away to go to class, Kathie walks down the hallway and hears Garrison's voice

"Okay, what's up everybody? I'm about ready to go undercover to alter the DABA and see I can expose any nasty little secrets. Oh wait, Kathie Lee Gifford is here, and I'm pretty sure she's listening in on my posts!" Garrison spoke on his Maxintosh

"…What hell are you doing?" Kathie asked

"Kathie, if you don't mind, this broadcast is for my Maxintosh listeners only… excluding you" garrison informed

Jonathan and Randy join them

"What's Maxintosh?" Jonathan asked

"Well, you know how we have the "internet" now, and we can type broadcasts sort of?" Garrison said

"…Yeah" Jonathan said

"Well, this device allows me send anything I say, to the internet, and everyone else using it" Garrison explained

"Wow" Randy said

Garrison deactivated his Maxintosh and turned towards Randy. "Now, what I'm going to do is try to removing my drug files at DABA and as side-mission, exposing any nasties!" Garrison said

"…You're okay with everything you say, go up on the internet?" Kathie asked

"Well, not really, but it certainly will prove I'm not uncool like you guys" Garrison said getting cocky

"Oh we're all gonna become cool one day, this is what our school is about" Jonathan corrected

"Oh, and you're gonna become a big heavy metal band?" Garrison asked

"Yeah, it's my destiny" Jonathan answered

"Well, I heard if you fuck up, you could become poor like Stuart McCormick"

The kids stay quiet, realising they've been outsmarted

"…Well…you could become a teacher one day with your knowledge" Randy complemented

"Dafuq? Dude I don't wanna become some faggy teacher!" Garrison said defensively

"Look, just how many people are using maxintosh?" Kathie asked

"Me, Mr Hat and Terrance and Philip"

Garrison's vest received a broadcast from T&P

"Say Philip, I think I have a crack up my ass!" "Where? Let me see! A farting noise is heard and they both laugh

"Eheheheheh! That was a good one!" Garrison giggled, the other kids walked away

Garrison held down a button and spoke "Okay, I'm currently heading down to my fourth grade class right now to do some maths maybe" he stopped holding the button and walked to class


	5. Chapter 5 I'm here to apply for the job

After school, Garrison goes to the DABA and tries to infiltrate, plus save his ass from being grounded

Garrison walks up to the receptionist "Excuse me!" The receptionist looks at him "Hi, I'm here to apply for the job at the DABA" he said, "Alright, what's your name?" the receptionist asked, "Bill Gates" Garrison responded, "I'm sorry, we don't see you on the list Mr Gates" the receptionist informed, "What? There must some kind of mistake! I was specifically asked if I would get a job here at the DABA and I said yes!" Suddenly a broadcast from T&P came up, "Say Philip, do you ever think they'll make a Jaws 4?" "If they do, they better include heaps of-*faaart*" They both laugh, Garrison almost bursts out laughing "Mr Mackey?" the receptionist calls, "M'kay what?" Mr Mackey says walking up to the receptionist, Garrison realised that he was the same person who drove Garrison into drugs and asked him what drugs he liked on the phone. "That bitch!" Garrison whispered. "This man says he has an interview for a job" the receptionist said. "I am extremely qualified and eager to work" Garrison spoke, another T&P broadcast went off, this time it was an actual thought from Philip "I'm thinking of putting ******** in my cartoon one day" Garrison was shocked from what he heard and quickly cleared his throat as a distraction "Uh, I was sure that the appointment was today, right?" Garrison spoke nervously

"M'kay, well one of my members got fired, so I'll give you a little tour in order to see if you're fit for the job, M'kay?" Mr Mackey assured


	6. Chapter 6 Herro there, Chirudren

3:17 3rd July 1984, the neighbourhood

A pimply teenage Chinese man walked up to Jerome's house and pressed the doorbell; Jerome's father walked up to the house with a broomstick and opened the door. "Oh herro, my name is Ru Kim" he said, he then gave a disturbing one tooth smile and lifted his wrists. "Oh, thank Xenu!" the Chinese man was confused "Xenu?" "Yeah, I thought you were an inspiring spider asking for tweefiddy again" Jerome's father said. "Oh, wait I get it. I just want to see if you would like to know the truth!" the Chinese man said giving a disturbing smile again, Jerome's father simply walked away, Jerome himself walked up to him. The Lu Kim was confused "…What is it you're asking?" Lu Kim renewed his mind and restarted. "Herro there chirudren, my name is Ru Kim, how would you rike to know the truth?" Lu Kim finished, Jerome was enthusiastic "Sure, I love the truth" "Okay, well I am Jehovah's Witness, and I berieve that people who follow the bible are wrong" "Oh, well, what's Jehovah's Witness and what's the bible?"

"Sir, I berieve the truth, I was once rike you, I didn't know religion to berieve in, but then I let Jehovah into my heart"

"Oh no thanks, but don't you know that Xenu might be watching?"

"…What's Xenu?"

"It's part something I call Scientology"

"Scientology?"


	7. Chapter 7 The Tour of DABA

3:20 pm D.A.B.A. Headquarters. Mr Mackey takes Garrison and Mr Hat on a tour

"Right this way, Bill, M'kay? Welcome to the DABA Main office" Mr Mackey said

"So, this is where they check all the cameras and stats to see whose using what type of drugs… Seems obsessive" Garrison whispered

"There are a lot of people working out here, M'kay? There are clean people, M'kay? And then there are drug-users, M'kay?" Mr Mackey said

"Mr Mackey, there's a bunch of kids with guns in my camera screen" one detective said

"M'kay, how old are they?"

"Hmmm, look to be about… 11-12"

"M'kay, hair colour?"

"They don't appear to have hair"

"Skin colour?"

"Black"

"M'kay, keep an eye on them"

"Our cameras are equipped with the latest technology of our time and can scan the type of drug their using" Mr Mackey said

"…Wow" Garrison said impressed

"So if you got the brains for this, we could sure use your help, young man" Mr Mackey assured

"Okay… are these Macintoshes?" Garrison asked

"Yes" Mr Mackey answered

"Sir, you might wanna have a look at this"

"M'kay, what have you got for me Murrey?"

"Man smoking marijuana, crack, and drinking LSD, all at the same time!" Murrey said. An awkward moment of silence


	8. Chapter 8 You'll never take me alive!

Mr Mackey took garrison and Mr Hat with him to the drug abuser to show they mean business. CC School was in Kansas, and the drug user was in Winfield – E 12th Ave. As Mr Mackey drove Garrison there, he pulled out a broadcast

"3:30 pm. The chief is apparently the same teenager who represents DABA; he's taking me to show the business at military. Hopefully the DABA has no idea of my intentions" Mr Mackey looks at Garrison, Garrison reactivates his maxintosh and clears himself with "LOL". They stop at the drug user's house, walk up to it and a man answers the door

"Yes?"

"Hi, I just wanna talk to you about some drugs, you've been doin', M'kay?"

"Who are you?"

"We are the DABA, we have come arrest you" Mr Mackey said in a robotic voice

"You'll never take me alive!" the guy said before taking out a gun and pulling the trigger… only to find it wasn't loaded. He walked away to find a bullet, after finding one, he loads his gun, repeats his sentence and shoots himself"

"…Dude" Garrison said in shock

"These people are fahkin crazy!" he continued

"Damn straight, they are" Mr Mackey added


	9. Chapter 9 Oh Jesus Christ!

"I've done it; I've totally gained their trust. Now all I need to do is alter the file on my use and expose their drug input. Let's hope I don't get found out as a whistle blower before I know the answer" garrison announced, T&P were eating at a shakey's pizzeria.

"Who could that possibly be?" Philip asked

"I don't know, Philip" Terrance responded

"So uh, how do I start this thing?" garrison asked while sitting at his Macintosh

Mr Mackey pressed a simple little button and it started up, making garrison feel stupid

"Oh" he replied

"M'kay, now everyone has file of images. People who have yellow squares mean they are carrying drugs; people who have red squares are using drugs. Those people are the ones we gotta track down, M'kay?"

"M'kay, uh, what colour is my file?" garrison asked, realizing the mistake he made

"Wha?"

"Well, you know. Herbert Garrison must have a pretty colourful file, right?" Garrison escaped

"Oh, yeah, this kid has been using drugs alright!" another employee spoke

Garrison looked up the file, and had a good long stare at it in order to assure the others he wasn't a whistle blower.

"Hmmm… well I believe that that is actually Bullcrap!" Garrison corrected

"I beg your pardon?" Mr Mackey asked, surprised

"Look, I know a drug when I see one, that is actually water, moulted apple seed, and solid harmless chlorine sugar!" Garrison explained quickly

"Yeah, you tell 'em, Mr Garrison!" Mr Hat added

Mr Mackey was speechless, but easily gave in to garrison's explanation

"Change it over, M'kay?" he finished

"Sweet!" Garrison whispered. "Now for my side mission!"

"Hey uh, do mind telling me how you would know what drugs are looking like?" Garrison spoke in an imperfect grammar

"Oooh, well, there's a secret to the central computer machine" Mr Mackey

"But you wanna know how it's all done? I guess I could show you" Mr Mackey said, walking down the hallway up to big metal doors

"But I warn you, this is top-secret. Nobody has ever been past these doors and been able to keep their hearts running from shock" Mr Mackey reassured

"Oh, so the Central Computer must be something terrifying, huh?" Garrison assumed

"That's right" Mr Mackey said

"Now, I going to show you how we know, and everything's going to be A M'kay. M'kay?" Mr Mackey

"Okay, I get it!" Garrison said, frustrated at Mr Mackey's constant M'kays

Mr Mackey presses a button and the doors slide open, Garrison walks in in stumbly pattern, he looks up "oh… Jes-us… Christ!" his mouth gaped, Mr Hat had fainted, or his arms really dropped, and his eyes gaped. Completely shocked, he was looking at Jesus hooked up to a machine

"How do you think we're able to determine if someone is using drugs? How do you think we're able to know what scotch is?" Mr Mackey said

Garrison whipped out a whistle blew it extremely hard

"Okay that's enough! That's enough! I just infiltrated your company and removed my bad files… PERMANANTLY!" Garrison said

"What the?" Mr Mackey said

Garrison ripped off his wig "I AM Herbert Garrison! And I've got bad news for you! This is all being broadcast on a tappy fan writer _and _on Terrance & Philip's interview, via Maxintosh!"

"Now that everyone knows what you're doing to Jesus, you're all going to hell, all of you! Goin' to hell! You go to hell and you're gonna die!" Garrison shouted

"You should have escorted me out when you had the chance, now everyone knows the horrible truth and everyone's gonna think I'm totally cool!" Garrison finished off, Mr Mackey was speechless


	10. Chapter 10 Drugs are bad, okay?

The next day…

Garrison wept over and over, his mother came in

"Herbert, what's wrong?" Mrs Garrison asked

"It didn't work, mom! I infiltrated the DABA, and I was a whistle blower and everything, and I thought that everybody would be super-pissed off because of what they're doing to Jesus Christ. But nobody cares about it! Nobody cares if our lord and saviour is locked up to a big horrible machine!" Garrison cried out

"I know what they're doing to Jesus, Herbert. But they're keeping us human and not homeless hippies" Mrs Garrison assured

"Well, now you just sound like everybody else!" Mr Hat turned around and called out

"Look, Mr Hat, tell Herbert he'll be okay" Mrs Garrison told him

"You'll be okay Mr Garrison, you'll be okay" Mr Hat said, trying to cheer him up

"Would you like some hot chocolate instead?"

Garrison sniffed "Sure… thanks mom"

Moments later, the doorbell rings. Answers the door, in his pyjamas, which revealed to be Jerome

"Hello there children!" Jerome said

"…Hey Chef" Garrison said

"Sir, how you like to know the truth?"

"…the FUCK are you talking about, chef?" Garrison asked

"It's time to let go, Garrison. Let Xenu into your heart!" Chef said

"I'm sorry… but I don't really change my religion, I'm Christian, and I'm keeping it that way. M'kay? M'kay." Garrison responded calmly

Garrison watches TV for a few seconds, but the doorbell rings again.

"Oh, god. What now?" Garrison said, frustrated

He opened the door, a big lump of body sat in front of him and a big head came down, surprising the hell out of Garrison

"Hey, Can I borrow 3 dollars and 50 cents?" he asked

Garrison, speechless, pointed over to Jerome's house.

"Hey, can I borrow 3 dollars and 50 cents?" he asked Jerome's father

"…Oh hell no! You ain't haven any of my tweefiddy!" he rejected

Garrison walked back to the sofa, and laid on his belly on it and sipped hot chocolate, which suddenly splashed into his face and the cup crumbled to pieces. Garrison felt a tingling sensation as if he'd drunken LSD, he looked at the TV and it exploded, the whole house wobbled.

"…Drugs are bad, okay?" Garrison said

The End


End file.
